I understand most of this post will be whiney and self-indulgent. But everyone has those moments so I’m just going to roll with it. My parents like many people are immigrants to Canada. So, they still consider Jamaica their home. As a child growing up we didn’t really have vacations we took trips back “home.” Most people would think that going to Jamaica for a week or two would be amazing vacations. However, I hated going. That hadn’t always been the case I remember loving my first trip there but the second one is when those feelings started to change.
Both my parents are from the country so most of the trip consists of us sitting on the front porch with nothing around for miles As kids we couldn’t really go anywhere without our parents. I haven’t been in maybe 10 years so I’m sure now I would be able to goof on my own. My parents would be busy catching up with their friends and family that they haven’t seen in years. But there was no catching up for us it was just meeting many new people and I didn’t help that other kids treated us differently because we were from ” a foreign.” Most of the trips were just following our parents around. I have been to Jamaica 3 or 4 times and never been to Kingston or even the beach there. And if that was it I could probably handle that. What’s being bored for a week or 2 while your parents have fun? Not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.
This next point is going to seem off topic but I promise it relates in the long run. I have always been over weight and I am pretty much the only one in my family that is. I’ve become more comfortable with myself in recent years and I’m trying to make healthier and smarter decisions. Of course, as a child I was not at this more accepting place and talk of my weight made me uncomfortable. And every time I met one of my parent’s family or friends they always called me the “Big One” which doesn’t seem like a big deal but when your sisters are referred to as the “Pretty One” or the “Skinny One” you start to feel some time of way. I hated those trips as kid because I was no longer me I was the “Big One” and it honestly made me feel like absolute shit. And it wasn’t like I could go somewhere to lick my wounds. I just had to sit there and smile and if I mentioned it to my parents it was basically suck it up. I know it’s a dumb reason to hate going somewhere but my fear is the next time I go I won’t be me again I’ll just feel like the same fat little failure.
I’m sure you are also wondering why there is a picture of Disney World on a post talking about Jamaica and being a fat kid. Well that’s because a few years ago one of very good friends won a trip to Disney Land and took me with her. I don’t have any pictures of that trip on my laptop so I had to use one from another trip. I consider this trip my first vacation because it was the first time the thought of a trip didn’t make feel sad at the thought of going or guilty for feeling sad. I love my parents and I want to love where they are from but I always get this sinking feeling whenever I think about going. Again, I realize this a very self-indulgent not a real problem kind of post. But it is a thing I think about from time to time